We are thrilled to be
home and starting the process of becoming a new family. We appreciate all of
the support and love everyone continues to give us. There are some things that
have become clearer to us as we transition into our new experience of adopting
a preschooler. Even though we knew some of how we would parent prior to coming
home, it changes as we get to know him and how he responds to us. We have been
able to mold our expectations into what is best for Jeremiah. Some changes have
even occurred just this week. We feel it is in Jeremiah's best interest that we
address this now in a more public forum.
All children are often a bit of a "celebrity" when
they enter a family (either through birth or adoption). We are thankful that
our friends and family care enough to treat Jeremiah with excitement. We are
not shocked by the number of caring people who are excited to meet him and
spend time with him. There is some irony in that Jeremiah is now getting all
the attention he longed for while in the orphanage, but the fact is that this
is the time when he most needs to learn to receive that attention and love from
mostly two people, his mother and father.
When a family has a
baby or a young infant, everyone can see very easily that this is a fragile
being. Therefore, people tend to be cautious in approaching them and allow the
baby's parents to control interactions with them. Due to the baby's obvious
intimacy of the baby's needs, parents spend most of the time with the baby
fulfilling these needs. A 4-year-old is quite different. Jeremiah is physically
strong, sweet as can be, mobile, independent and stubborn! It’s like protecting
an infant who is tall enough and fast enough to do anything. He is sometimes
easy to hold, hug, kiss, and almost always responds to being spoiled. His
"temporary love" is easily "bought". But temporary love is
not what he needs to learn … he needs to recognize and feel the deep unending
love of his parents. His long term health is directly impacted by his ability to recognize, accept, and
reciprocate this unconditional love.
Although Jeremiah
looks strong and acts tough, he really is quite fragile! And it is our duty as his parents to protect
him.
This is both an
exciting and scary time for all of us, especially for Jeremiah. In his short
life, our son has gone through more changes and life altering experiences than
most adults could handle. Although we know little about his life prior to age
2, we do know that he was abandoned, which means he lost his birth family and more
recently experienced the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as
the sights, smells, and language of Haiti. His world is turned upside down. We
believe he will continue to struggle with feeling safe and secure and lack the
ability to trust that we will meet his needs for an extended period of time.
The process of
learning to trust that we are the two adults in his world who will always be
there to care for him is called attachment. We all know that building trust is
hard, takes a lot of time and a lot of work. It can take years. Just think, he
was with consistent caretakers for 2 years in Haiti and now they are gone. We
have to “outlast” that track record. It gets easier over time, but things are
going to be a little strange at first and we ask that you please understand and
respect what’s happening. We are not closing you out; you are the most important
people in our lives. But Jeremiah needs to have boundaries in place to develop
a strong and healthy attachment to us.
Physical Boundaries
It will help us
immensely if everyone limits what is typically considered normal, physical
contact with Jeremiah. This will (for a while) include things like holding,
excessive hugging and kissing. Children from orphanages are prone to attach too
easily to anyone and everyone. Unfortunately, this disrupts his ability to
attach to us. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are an awesome way to
express love and welcome! Jeremiah needs to know that you are our family and
trusted friends. We have been advised to tone down physical touching by our
friends and family for a period of time. There will be plenty of time to
express our love in hugs and kisses in the future, but for now we are trying to
limit this. We have been a little more “lax” with a few family members only
because it is not a daily or weekly occurrence. If family lived close-by, we
would not allow as much physical contact. Grandparents, great-grandparents, and
aunts/uncles are allowed to hug, kiss, and hold at this time. However, in
re-thinking this as well, we are asking that they not carry him excessively.
This seems to be a stronger issue sometimes with attachment as they asked
volunteers to carry them everywhere. Also, the hugs and kisses will be limited
as well.
Food and other
needs
Jeremiah has been
relying on a stream of different (very caring) adults to meet his needs. He’s
learned that he has to compete for the attention of every adult he sees to get basic things like food, clothing,
blankets and comfort. Charming every available adult becomes a survival
technique. While that might work in an orphanage, it’s dangerous in our world.
It’s not safe for Jeremiah to ask random strangers (we know you are not, but to
him you should be) for a hug.
In order for Jeremiah to learn healthy, appropriate boundaries with strangers,
he has to begin by learning that we are the two people responsible for meeting
his needs. For a while, we need to be the only ones to hand him food, give him
water, and comfort him when he bumps his head. If he asks you for something,
please ask us. For a while, it will look like we’re spoiling him. As he learns
that we are his parents, it will become OK to treat Jeremiah just like our
other children.
Discipline
Discipline will be very tricky. Please allow us to handle
discipline with him. Obviously, if he is endangering himself, his safety is
most important… so please intervene if this is the case. Please know, Jeremiah
is not a fan of discipline. Even gently saying, “Now, Jeremiah we can’t touch
that” has caused shut-down and a complete turn-around on how he treats that
person. When Jeremiah shuts down or throws a tantrum as we parent, please do
not be surprised and please try to realize how much trauma he has suffered.
Finally, thank you for understanding and supporting us in
this amazing, but challenging time! Know that we love all of you very much. We
believe we are blessed with an incredible family and great friends. We cannot
wait for Jeremiah to have the opportunity to enjoy the love from all of you. We
just are especially concerned that this time of attachment is a critical time
for him.
We know in time Jeremiah will realize how uniquely wonderful
the people who continue to support his "family" really are! If this
letter feels hurtful or confusing in any way, please call or email us. This is
not our intent in anyway; we will do our best to explain our reasoning.
Love you all, Tim and Angel
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